I am extremely introverted. Many who know me find this confusing because I easily and often engage people and usually take control of social situations with ease. Most of the extroverts who know me think that if I could “just come a little further out of my shell”, I would be so much happier. They have no idea what this “out of shell” time costs me. As I look down the road at the aging process, my biggest fear, should I be diagnosed with any sort of cognitive decline, is that some well-meaning, extroverted caregiver or activities person will want me to—wait for it—PARTICIPATE! When folks live and function in any congregate setting, including assisted living and memory care, the introverts among us perpetually attempt to cope in a social construct where extroversion is considered the only normal and healthy approach to life, and the extroverts who are so frequently attracted to the healthcare occupations believe that introverts just need to be pushed a little, and then they too can enjoy all of the benefits—the fun!— of being an extrovert. At Maple Cottage, our family-owned and operated memory care community in Hendersonville, TN, I am very sensitive to our introverted residents (who often have extroverted adult children—Come on, Mom; you are spending too much time in your room! They are playing Bingo in the activity area—you don’t want to miss the fun! I think they are having a group word-search afterwards!) I’m an introvert on a mission: I try to help staff and family realize that there is a fundamental difference in the way introverts and extroverts approach and enjoy life, and that this difference deserves to be honored. Here are five tips for recognizing and supporting the introverts in your life, including those who have dementia and memory challenges.
1. Introverts generally live in a more internal world than extroverts
In a sense, introverts have very busy minds, because the majority of what they experience is internal. They are constantly in a meaningful conversation with themselves, and sometimes there is little left over for interaction with others. Accept this about your introvert; there is lots going on in there. It is just not as accessible to you as if you were engaging with an extrovert
2. Understand that they sometimes (read: frequently) need privacy
And a lot more of it than may make sense to you. An introvert is depleting his battery whenever he is interacting with others. The only way to recharge it is to retreat to privacy and be alone for a while. Don’t take it personally—it is truly a survival technique, and the only way for an introvert to thrive.
3. Recognize that the introvert is not “unsocial”
In fact, they may be the life of the party once they engage. But the cost of that engagement in terms of energy will be great, and the engagement cannot be sustained over long periods. Introversion is less a function of personality, and more a reflection of the person’s hardwiring. Enjoy an introvert while they are engaged and let them go recharge when they need to. Nothing depletes an introvert’s battery quicker than a perceived demand to stay engaged with others after they have reached their disconnection point
4. Small talk and phone communication may be hard to come by with your introvert
Engagement with others in conversation is important to introverts, but they tend to see it as a limited quantity resource. For introverts, each word needs to count, and non-verbal cues are important because they express ideas and emotions with an economy of words. Introverts often go straight to the point, and can be perceived as abrupt, even off-putting. If this describes your introvert, don’t take it personally—just go with it. And remember that the phone experience requires lots of words, and lots of engagement without any associated cues. Many introverts are just not very interested in that type of interaction. Expect calls to be short and one-sided
5. Introverts may look like they are ignoring you, but they are just in their own flow.
Generally speaking, introverts are able to focus with laser precision on a task, thought or idea, oblivious to outside distractions. And, generally, they are very happy when afforded the opportunity to do this. Again, they are not ignoring you, or disinterested in you, your conversation or your activities; they are just very “busy” in a way that is mysterious to extroverts. Let them be; they are “in the flow”.
Conclusion
If you are involved in caregiving or activities in an assisted living or memory care environment, knowing this about the introverts you care for may help you to tailor therapeutic, pleasurable and personally meaningful activities for your residents. Large groups playing Bingo and having sing-alongs are the stuff of nightmares for many of us introverts. Help us to have limited and meaningful engagement with others, and enough quality time alone with ourselves to recharge and renew. You may see a real difference in quality of life!
